Dear Love Bug,
I woke up this morning and stepped outside to check the weather. My FIRST thought was, "Shelby would have loved today!" It was perfectly cool and slightly breezy, just the way you like it! It is a day when I would have gotten you ready early, before the bus was scheduled, to go for a quick walk or hang out in the driveway "doing donuts" as Daddy would say. I would have written in your notebook to your teacher, "Make sure to get Shelby out for a bike ride today!" And we surely would have walked your sister to and from swim practice today instead of driving.
This may sound silly, but what's the weather is like up in Heaven? Is it perfectly cool and slightly breezy everyday? Is it the same for everyone? Is there weather at all? And are you hanging out with Grandpa and Uncle Jim? Have they taught you to play golf? Or is that even possible up in Heaven? Guess I'll have to wait my turn to find out. But I sure wish I knew now because, as you know, I am not a patient person.
I feel like so much has changed around here since you've been gone, but I look around and you're still EVERYWHERE. A few things though... there is no longer equipment lining all the walls. I gave most of it to your friends who could still use it. Jakey has your stander, Nathan has your travel stroller and Ian has your swing... and the boys also have some of your audiobooks and talking toys. We got rid of the van and the truck with the wheelchair lifts, and Mommy got an SUV. It's pretty, but I'd take back my mini-van any day just to have you back. I just couldn't continue to drive around in a wheelchair car with a big empty space where your wheelchair once sat.
And I have a huge confession to make... your bedroom has changed. We went into your bedroom a lot at first. Sister laid in your bed, cuddled with your stuffies and hung out under your fuzzy sheets. I spent half of Mother's Day in there, crying and sleeping and smelling your pillow. Daddy would go in there to sit and cry and think about you. One day, the smell on your pillow was gone, and lying in your bed without smelling your scent, the orange blossom and vanilla shampoo, no longer gave me the comfort it used to. So we discussed it as a family, and decided that your friend Sam needed your special bed more than we did. So we gave it to Sam, and he loves it!
After the bed was gone, I slowly cleaned out a few more things, and Grandma helped me box your clothes up so sister could wear them one day. Your room was so empty, and that made me even sadder. We got your room all fixed up for you... especially made for a girly teenager, with funky wallpaper, pretty blue paint and purple curtains. We got the overhead lift system put in to carry you into the shower with ease, and we made the shower big enough for you to fit into with your super long legs. All of that work completed less than a year before you left us. We left the big shower, but had the lift taken out. I just couldn't look at it anymore. It reminded me of the two-year fight to get the funding approved, and I found myself staring at the lift and crying... sobbing... daily. It was the albatross in the room, and every time I saw it, I was angry that you were no longer here to use it!
Your room was put together with so much love and thought, and I needed it to be useful once again. So I bought a used bed frame and spent a week refurbishing it, repairing and painting the holes in the ceiling from the lift and doing other touch-ups I wish were completed for you to enjoy. The room is beautiful once again, though still empty. When Grandma came to visit last week, she had a proper place to sleep. She no longer has to suffer on the uncomfortable trundle mattress in your sister's room. I want you to know, we still call it "Shelby's Room."
So I guess that's all for now, though I'll probably talk to you a few more times today. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you... always. And I love you more than words could every say!
Missing you...
Mom
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