Happiness vs. Joy

I blinked and the entire month of October passed by, and I did not have even one post. Why? I was in a pit of anything but joy. My writing was dark and dismal. I was preoccupied with all the bad news, from the natural disasters to the random acts of public violence and wildfires destroying massive neighborhoods in the blink of an eye, so close to home that I could smell the smoke. And I was in my seventh month of missing Shelby... seventh month... The amount of heartache I felt over this catapulted my grief into a new level of self-pity and apathy.

And what is this concept of JOY that I am trying to portray? Am I a fraud? A phony? Where did this idea come from anyway? I felt like I jumped off a cliff into the land of blogging and sharing my feelings and everyday journey to find joy without really planning it out. Actually, I started with a roadmap, but took a detour somewhere. I was definitely on a detour!

Just last weekend, I was on yet another leg of my big detour. See, I roam the aisles of large stores when I am avoiding tasks at home, all under the guise of "running errands." I may be the queen of procrastination, but I always look like I am on a mission! I was out of the house, aimlessly roaming the aisles of a linen shop, still feeling sorry for myself, and contemplating why I was feeling stuck. That's when I saw this bedding display that I KNOW was intentionally placed there for me...

When I was done laughing aloud like a crazy person right in the middle of the store, I knew where I had to start. First, I had to snap a picture, because no one would believe the perfection with which this was placed in my path. Then, I had to stop procrastinating and head home! I really did go straight to the car, still chuckling a little to myself. I had some research and some sole searching to do if I was going to keep writing.

First of all, let me define the difference between happiness and joy as I see them. The two terms are often used interchangeably, and many see them as synonyms. But I see the term joy having more substance than happiness.

HAPPINESS... a fleeting emotion, mood or feeling that comes and goes. It is an outward expression. Synonyms are: glad, pleased, cheerfulness, contentment... very earthly words. Happiness has many levels and many appropriate emojis, from anything above "Meh" to just below the smily face squirting tears.. There are numerous songs about being happy, even a couple with "Happy" as a title, but I've only heard of one person ever named Happy, and that was in a movie about a fictitious Mr. Gilmore.

JOY... a state of being that includes contentment and gratitude, much deeper than happiness. It is an inward expression. Synonyms are: jubilation, elation, delight, exultation and bliss... Heavenly or divine words. Joyfulness is beyond the typical happiness scale, and joy's emojis are fewer in number, from the most upturned mouth with happy eyes to the emoji that is squirting "tears of joy." There are also numerous songs about joy, and Joy is a very common name for women, both in movies and real life.

I first thought of Why Not Joy? just over three years ago, when Shelby was in the hospital for a 3 week stent. She had some pretty severe gut issues, on top of seizures that were intensifying. I remember having spent most of the night in the Emergency Room with her, tired and worried about her not being able to tolerate her feeds. I emailed her neurologist sometime in the middle of the night to see if we could coordinate an EEG during this hospital stay to get a picture of some recent increased seizure activity. When we got to her room on the Pediatric unit, I was elated to see and EEG machine waiting for her, knowing that her doctor got my message and wasted no time to coordinate her care. We wouldn't have to come back in another month for yet another hospitalization, and I was so relieved that I was cried tears of relief.

When the nurse saw me crying, she started in with what a good mom I was, and how she admired moms of special needs kids for always being tired and sticking to their kids like glue, and she was sorry I was having to go through this. I stopped her. "No," I said, "you don't understand. I am so thankful we are going to be able to have her GI tests and EEG done all at the same time. I am so grateful that I have doctors that listen to me and have Shelby's best interests at heart."

She was shocked that I would break down in tears of happiness over seeing the EEG. "Wow! You're easy to please!" I think she thought I was a bit delirious too.

I remember this conversation as clear as day... I said, "I have a lot to be stressed about, so why not feel joy when the little things in life work out? Shelby has taught me to be grateful for so many little things." And right after I said it, I kept repeating over and over in my head, "Why not joy? Why not joy?" It was my theme for the next three weeks at the hospital. I even wrote it down on the white board at the end of the bed. There were moments during those three weeks in the hospital that I watched Shelby experience joy while she was hooked up to wires and machines, while she was missing her friends at school and while she was cooped up in that tiny hospital room. I wanted to be more joyful... I wanted to be more like Shelby!

Now that my special child is gone, I still want to experience great joy... I believe I can live with joy, even though I miss her something fierce... I need to feel joy because I still have this great gift of life here on earth, and intend to live it fully! I want to raise my youngest to live with joy! I want my marriage to be joyful once again! I do not believe that misery is all that is left for me!

So thank you for joining me once again on my journey to discover JOY in everyday life!