One of the things that I have been working on is being thankful. As I said last week, I do not believe that all is left for me is a life of misery! I intend to find joy... heck, make joy if I have to! But the big question for me became HOW? I thought about it, and the one emotion that is always associated with joy for me is thankfulness. So, I decided to look for something each day that I was thankful for and see how that worked. It was a bit rough to start with, so keep your sense of humor...
I walked my daughter to school one day last week and headed out to find myself some clothes that fit. I seem to be eating my grief in large amounts, and I am the heaviest that I've ever been. So do I start a diet now? Today? No... so I was just going to find some new clothes that fit while I figure that piece out.
At the first store, I started grabbing jeans off of the rack in what I thought was my new size. Who knew skinny jeans were all the rage? And more importantly, why were they carrying them in my size? So, by the second store, I started paying very close attention to the cut of the jeans. I left the skinny jeans on the rack and decided to try each of the following: straight leg, relaxed, boyfriend, bootcut and... wait for it... butt lift. Yes, there is an actual style of denim called butt lift.
Let me just invite you into my head as I tried on each of the styles and decided to describe them more accurately. Straight leg used to mean "untapered", but apparently it's now skinny, except at the ankles. Relaxed jeans were Mom jeans, with high waist and slightly tapered legs. And yes I know I'm a mom, but I'm not my mom, and I'm not going to be a SNL parody in my new jeans. Boyfriend jeans made me look frumpier than I already felt, and if I wanted to be frumpy, I could raid my husband's closet! Alas, the bootcut. The fitting room attendant said they fit me exactly like they were supposed to, accentuating all of my curves.. including the little bulges on the inner thighs. No thank you! And now for Butt Lift Jeans... they definitely lifted my buttocks, accentuating them with, what I assume to be, strategically placed pockets and stitching to draw even more attention to said butt. Um... no!
So I left the second store deflated and headed across the parking lot to a vice that got me into this situation to start with... a fast food restaurant. As I was walking, I was actually thinking that I hadn't really found much to be thankful for so far. Then this dear young man, a cashier in training with a big smile took my order, reviewed the order and proclaimed, "With your discount, that will be..." Discount? What discount? Hmmm...
Do you see it there? Senior Discount? I'm 47... so I decided to look online to see what age "senior" was referring to at this fine establishment. Because, I was hoping, maybe 45 is the new senior. I was somewhat relieved to read that this restaurant gives to seniors age 55 and over. I say somewhat, because I was hoping for 50, but relieved because at least it wasn't 60.
After eating that nutritious meal, I went back to the bathroom to take a look at myself in the mirror. I was disheveled and I did look old... much older than 47. How long had this been going on? The good news is that I haven't hit a fast food restaurant in almost a week, I'm trying to watch what I put in my mouth and drink more water, I started walking in the mornings, and I found something to be thankful for. I am thankful for the Senior Discount! And I am thankful for the wake-up call!
But things didn't end there. I went to another store, much more age and size specific and found a couple of outfits that fit great and made me feel fabulous. Then later that evening, I put on one of my new ensembles to go out with two of really incredible friends. We went downtown for an incredible meal, amazing conversation and a theater production. We saw Beautiful, The Carol King Musical... and it was just that. Beautiful!
To quote Carol King, "You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better. You're gonna find, yes you will, that you're beautiful as you feel."
I am thankful for my amazing friends and nights like this! And I need to keep waking up every morning, thankful of the life that I have, thankful that I had Shelby in my life for an amazing 13 years, remembering that she awoke nearly every morning with a smile on her face and left us with beautiful memories of JOY.
